Peter Wiggin s Mind
by shaphat
Summary: A fic about what goes on in Peter's head after Ender leaves for the Militar Academy. His view of himself, his actions and relationship with his siblings. Based on book 1 Ender s Game. Oneshot


Peter laughed quietly in anticipation as he saw his sister Val getting closer to the little "treat" he had prepared for her. He was hiding behind a tree out of her sight. When she found the dead rodent she kneeled beside it and cried, then covered her face and ran away as if she feared the tiny dead thing would start chasing her. Peter sighed, it had been worth it. Recently he'd realized that she suspected something was amiss when he took his long walks in the forest and had decided to prepare a little show especially for her. She hadn´t disappointed him, her reaction had made worth the time he took to prepare it. Normally he wouldn´t leave his victims out in the open in their final pose for everyone to see, but he had a purpose this time, so he had made an exception just for sweet Val.

Truthfully he didn´t really enjoyed it, well it was kinda interesting at first, taking the time to do it right and thinking what to do to them was always amusing, he was always trying to innovate. However it wasn´t really something he did because it was fun, he did it because he had to. He knew this was the only way he could stop himself from thinking about hurting people, he feared his strong desire to harm others could lead him to killing someone on impulse just for the heck of it. He'd thought about it frequently, so much so that it had become unbearable, he knew he could get away with it if he planned it and it was quite tempting, but he would gain nothing from it, and it was very likely that once he began he wouldn´t be able to stop even if he wanted to.

He always felt relieved when he came to the forest to entertain himself. Just as well it wasn´t always living animals he tortured, sometimes he made do with already dead animals. Even so, sometimes when he was laughing at the shrieks of pain of some small thing he would find that there were tears on his cheeks, he knew better than to think it was out of pity for the animal, it was self-pity. He went to the clearing to retrieve the stakes he had used on the squirrel, they were rather well sharpened and he thought he may want to use them again. Looking at the rodent now it looked like a sad little thing, boring, dead. He always felt empty afterwards. He hated feeling that way, it felt as if there would never be anything capable of filling that void, and it just kept getting deeper and emptier. Frequently he worried that he was losing himself, becoming something dark and scary. That he would look at his face in the mirror one day and find that Peter Wiggin was gone, and someone else was looking through his eyes.

In the previous town when the little bugger was still around he could control himself better, well, sort of. He would make do with bullying the weakest among his classmates and by teasing Ender, somehow the presence of his little brother made it easier for Peter to control himself, but now Ender was gone out into Space.

"Look Ender just how low I´ve fallen" he said bitterly, talking to the squirrel he was now holding by its tail. He had named it Ender, like his brother, on a whim. He threw it away and hid the stakes inside the hollow part of a nearby tree. He hid all of his "tools" there, he'd found the place by chance and decided to use it for storage, it wouldn´t do to hide this sort of things in his room.

This kind of entertainment had worked wonders for him at his new school, he could now be calmed enough to be the model student every teacher wanted. He could also focus on skillfully manipulating his classmates, rather than being afraid of him now everyone looked up to the handsome and smart 12 year old boy that was Peter Wiggin.

Back home at dinner time Peter was chatting up happily with his parents, and he could see by Val´s face that she was feeling ill, she hardly ate anything. He wondered if she was thinking about that thing in the woods. He hadn´t done it just to freak her out, he had a purpose in mind. He wanted her help in manipulating the world´s opinion, and truthfully he needed her to be scared of him, scared of what he could do, it was the only way since he no longer bullied her and ever since Ender was gone he couldn´t use her love for him to manipulate her anymore. Ender had always made Val stronger and weaker at the same time.

After dinner and alone in his room Peter wondered what exactly went on in Val´s head. He found it difficult to understand her at times; though they were both smart and capable they also had different approaches and ways of handling things.

What Val didn´t know was that Peter himself wasn´t as strong or as evil as she appeared to believe. Looking two years back Peter realized just how immature he´d been, just a bully, an older brother being mean to his younger siblings, it hadn´t even been a sophisticated bullying, mostly calling names, saying mean things and physical fights. Peter sighed, they never really understood his jokes, that time they both looked so scared when he´d said that he´d kill them, it made him a bit uneasy that they both had seemed to believe his words. He could lie too perfectly perhaps; he had done it ever since he learned how to talk.

He now believed that his violent acts towards them had been partly provoked by his annoyance at their obvious reluctance to accept him in their own little circle. He truly did care for his brothers, especially Ender. He just couldn´t help it, being mean that is, it was like an addiction, he kept doing the same things again and again, it was a twisted pleasure he just couldn´t do without. Another thing he couldn´t do without was the use of his special talent. Not only was he good at manipulating others to do what he wanted, he was also able to find others weak spots and the thing they hated most about themselves and use it against them. It was just too easy to do it; he would sometimes notice that had been doing it without being truly aware of it, it just came naturally to him, as automatic as breathing.

There were other things that didn't' help improve his relationship with his brothers. At times when something bad happened to them, he could see it in their eyes that they believed he had planned something mean that he hadn´t and since this happened often he would end up wondering if he may have thought of it in his subconscious or something. For example at the time when Ender was still learning to walk, Peter had been checking his brother´s toy car, when it suddenly slipped from his fingers, and casually little Ender was walking by and tripped with it, falling on his face. Peter laughed at first, it had been funny. But then Val came and yelled at him while Ender cried in her arms. Peter had thought of going to check if Ender was alright, just not exactly in the instant it happened, at that instant he just thought it was funny. Peter had noticed that stuff kind of had the tendency of happening around him, and that his family gave him more credit than he truly deserved.

Currently he was toying with an idea he liked, to control and shape public opinion in order to prevent chaos and imminent war in the world. A first, he just saw an opportunity to use his intellect at the grand stage of world politics. But then he saw an opportunity for himself there, he thought he saw his destiny and it was calling out to him. It was the right time and situation. As an added bonus he also saw it as the perfect way of controlling his violent urges. He'd realized that using his intellect to solve complicated problems prevented his dark self from taking over. It would be soon, he would talk to Val and convince her of helping him with his plan. He was certain Val would agree, she also wanted a chance to use her intellect for greater things and would likely understand the importance of the plan he would propose to her. Even if I have to beg and grovel – Peter thought – I need her on this, it´s just too bad that Ender is out of reach now, if it was the three of us…- But Peter knew that Ender didn´t really had it on him to conspire, he was smart but too simple minded.

When the time of talking with Val came, it didn´t go as he'd planned at all. She did agree in the end. But now, alone in his room, Peter felt that his soul had been exposed bared and was trembling while tears ran down his cheeks. He'd never revealed much of what was going on his mind to anyone, and had hoped never to do so. But instead of the eloquent speech he had planned, he'd told her the truth. He had even accepted that he´d been less than an ideal brother to her and to Ender. He even admitted to being afraid of being a killer, of becoming a monster, he even cried in front of her! He wondered what she thought of him now, her fears about having a psycho brother confirmed. He sighed as he wiped of his tears off with the back of his hand.

"I need to focus" Peter told himself "she agreed to do what I told her, I know I can trust her in this." He knew she would convince their father to share his citizen access with them; it was a piece of cake for Val. And then he would start acting, like Locke. He wondered what Ender would say when he returned home, about what his older brother and sister had achieved in his absence. Well, first Ender needed to win the war.

He wondered how his younger brother was doing, alone in space, Ender the crybaby who was born to save mankind. Peter had so wanted to go; it was still a bit of a thorn in his pride that he wasn´t the chosen one. On the other hand if he had been chosen, then Ender wouldn´t exist, truthfully he thought he may have been happier if there was no battle school, no buggers, and no Val. If there was no Val maybe he and Ender could have been real brothers, maybe even friends. And little Ender would run out to grab his hand rather than Val´s skirt. It was too late now; he might never even see his little brother again. Ender was already eight years old. He wondered if he would think of Peter from time to time; well even if he did Peter doubted the memory would be anything flattering.

Some time ago when Ender had the monitor taken away from him, back when everyone thought he was another failure, Peter had wanted to apologize to him and improve their relationship, but had been too much of a coward to do so. He wasn't able to sleep just thinking about it. He knew quite well what Ender must have been going through. He couldn't just ignore it, so he got up and went to his brother's room, he then told to a sleeping Ender, what he ought to have told him when he was awake.

But the past could not be changed; he knew it was all too late for regrets. Peter pointed his index finger to the ceiling "Ender…no…Andrew, I hope you are doing fine wherever you are" he sighed, "Finish those damned buggers".

A few minutes later he heard a knock on his door, it was probably Val. Peter looked at the poster on the door at the other side of his bed, it was a World Map, stretching one hand he grasped at the poster, as if he has holding the world in his hand.


End file.
